Beyond Getting Along – Learning to Love Your Siblings

Imagine being in a church that actually acted like brothers and sisters.

The pastor asks everyone to open their Bibles. Suddenly Jennifer jumps up in the front row exclaiming, “Markus stole my Bible! He never brings his own!”

“I didn’t steal your Bible!” Markus argues as an elder rushes forward to separate the bickering pair, restoring Jennifer’s Bible and presenting Markus with one of his own.

Peace restored to the congregation, the pastor invites the ushers forward to pass out communion while he reads the text. Only no ushers come. Uncertainly, the pastor inquires “Steve, Justin, Dan, aren’t you scheduled to pass out communion today?”

“I did it last time though!” Steve retorts from the back of the sanctuary.

“And Alex hasn’t done it in months. Why do you never ask him?” Dan adds, glaring across the aisle at the younger man.

“Yes, but you’re scheduled to do it every month. It’s your ministry, we’ve gone over this before!” The pastor insists.

“I just don’t think it’s fair!” exclaims Justin standing up.

Okay, so not how you were picturing a happy family-like church? What if I instead asked you to picture a typical, North American family. Would my little illustration fit that context a bit better? Only instead of fighting over stolen Bibles and complaining about communion duty, we’re fighting over stolen phone chargers, and complaining about dishwashing duty.

The Bible describes the relationships between believers as that of brothers and sisters. Yet we would never dream of treating the men and women in our church the way we often treat the men and women in our homes.

This is serious because the words of scripture, “He who does not love his brother [is not of God] for … we should love one another” (1 John 3:10) and “He who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen” (1 John 4:20) don’t just apply to spiritual brothers. They apply to physical brothers (and sisters).

When God started to get ahold of my life, one of the first things He convicted me about was my relationship with my sister and brother.

We didn’t really fight. We got along on road trips and talked at the dinner table. But God convicted me that just “getting along” was not His desire for sibling relationships. He wanted us to love one another with a Christ-like love.

Over the past several years I’ve gone through a process of rebuilding trust, love, and friendship with my siblings. Though it’s taken time and intentionality, my sister and brother have gone from being simply roommates, to true friends.

If you also feel convicted of simply “getting along” with your siblings, I invite you to walk through a relationship rebuilding process similar to the one I walked. It starts with repentance.

Repent 

Repentance is acknowledging your sin, asking forgiveness, and changing the way you live.

First, confess your sin to God and accept His free gift of forgiveness. And be specific. Rather than just praying, “God I haven’t been the best sister lately, please forgive me” own your sin. For me that meant asking forgiveness for being overly sarcastic; never speaking true encouragement or loving, constructive criticism. It also meant acknowledging that I had acted more like a disconnected roommate than a caring friend.

Next, confess your sin to your siblings. Sin breaks trust and breeds hurt that can only be restored and healed by confession and forgiveness.

While it’s vital to confess your sin, don’t be surprised if your siblings doubt your words. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. You need to also take steps towards reconciliation.

Get to Know Each Other

Deep relationships spring out of a deep understanding of each other. Chances are, you don’t know your brother or sister as well as you think.

So observe them. What’s their favourite food? What are their hobbies? What music do they like? What gets them talking? What makes them laugh? What’s going on with their friends, job, school?

Also, let them get to know you. You can’t expect your sister to open up about her deepest struggles and secrets if you haven’t done the same with her. Start by sharing what’s going on in your life, and as you earn her trust, she will slowly open up to you as well.

Hang out with Them

Arguably, the single, biggest key to building a good relationship with my siblings has been hanging out together when we don’t have too.

Spend time with your siblings by including them in things you enjoy. This can be planned activities or everyday tasks. My sister and I have spent a whole day snowboarding together, and we also make quick trips to Starbucks or the mall. Other times including them in things I enjoy looks like simply talking to my brother about the book I’m reading or playing him my new favourite song.

But also get involved in things they enjoy. I’ve watched ridiculous YouTube videos with my brother and talked about dog breeds and animal psychology with my sister because they were interested in it. Even if it’s not your thing, make sure to join them in activities they enjoy.

 

Your brother and sister are God’s hand-picked friends for you. While other friends enter and exit your life, siblings will be there at ever Christmas dinner. We don’t have to let “inevitable” sibling rivalry build tension between us. By God’s grace, it is possible for you to enjoy deep friendships together.

 

Tell me about your brother or sister! I’d love to learn more about you and your family!

Do you consider your siblings your friends?

What could you do today to invest in your friendship with your brother or sister?